Nicaragua

It's coming closer and closer.

With Christmas over it just seems that much closer.

I'm so excited!!!  A girl I met there the first time I went sent me a message on facebook and I just got SO incredibly excited.

I love Nicaragua so much.  Going into it the last two years I never thought I would end up with this space in my heart for it.  The first year I was terribly tired all the time because I was a vegetarian so I was hardly eating enough.  The second year I spent the entire trip questioning everything.  By the end of the last trip though I knew, I belonged there.  I really really REALLY believe there is a place for me there.  If this wasn't something God wanted for me I think it would have just been a passing phase.  That's me, that's how I roll.  I'm like, I'll be a teacher, I'll be an interior designer, I'll be a photographer, I'll be an art teacher, I'll write books... but this, this has stuck.  I need to call up Paige one of these days and let her know how I feel so I can get more information, seeing as how this is her full time job, she would know.  She could answer all of my questions.  It's so exciting.  I can't wait for this summer.  I love Nicaragua.  It's my second home, even though it may make me cry and sweat, it's so awesome.  It's like a spa.  You just sweat and cry out all your toxins.  You learn to love people, you learn to see the light of God.  You learn to appreciate all the little things here in America.  The things we, oh my goodness, TAKE FOR GRANTED.  I love going to Nicaragua so much I just can't even contain it.

A Break-Down of the word Awesome

awe-some

something that you stand in AWE of

something that is so amazing it takes your breath away

something that gives you goosebumps, makes your tiny hairs stand on end, makes your eyes open wide.

something that gives you an immediate sense of fulfillment.

awe-some

Last year when leaving for Nicaragua I was praying to God to send me one of those awesome God moments.  One of those moments where I could literally feel Him, literally hear Him.  I never got that moment.  I'm still waiting for that moment.  God is in fact awe-some all on His own.  Without those moments.  My moments are not so incredible that I'm lifted off the ground or my hands are raised to the sky but I do have my moments at church nearly every Sunday.  After a week of hardships and struggling I just feel so in awe at His awesome mighty power.  I close my eyes and I can hear Him telling me to just let Him worry about my life.  He tells me Trisha just let go and I will take care of you.  I get so hung up in the trials and tribulations of this world and I need to learn that God has every intention of bringing me peace.  However He can't send me peace always for then I would never learn anything.  I know that when I am disatisfied God is only working on me, He is only showing me the difference between living for Him, and living for others, or living for myself.  I'm currently facing a battle that seems so out of hand.  I'm so scared for the outcome.  I haven't been able to eat and I haven't been able to just relax because I'm always thinking about the what if's?  

This is it.

His name is Eddi, or Everardo rather.  He's amazing and I love him dearly.

I made the biggest mistake of my life when I told him, Eddi, I did really love you.

Trisha, I DO still love you and I think about you all the time.

I was ready to let go.

Then all of that, all of the crazy nonsense that I thought was him ready to leg go of me.  It wasn't him.  

I can't hurt him.  I can't tell him that I do still love him, I did and I do.  I can't because that would be selfish.  

I limit Eddi.

He limits me.

This is it.

I told him that.

He gets it.

He knows.

We are friends.  I want to believe this will work.

I pray this will work.

I can't just be like "see ya." 

Eddi doesn't even live here.  It's not like I'll run into him at Wal-Mart or something.  

We can talk and I believe he needs that.

I want to be able to talk to him.

I believe I need it.

I believe God has placed him in my life for a reason.

I'm not going to question that.

I'm thanking God.

He is awe-some.

I stand in awe of Him.

He gives me goosebumps.

He takes my breath away.

My tiny hairs stand on end.

He gives me fulfillment.

I'm not going to just be like whatever I love Eddi so I'll do everything I can to get you to reach him.  I'll do everything I can to be with him, regardless of if you reach him.

There will, inevitably come a day when God will bring me someone new.  He will bring me a new love and he will bring Eddi a new love.  In which order, I do not know but He will.  With that the time to say goodbye will come.  I will know it for sure when it comes.  It won't be something that I question, it won't be something that I pray about forever.  I will just know.  

I love God.  I can't remember a time when I didn't.  Well of course I remember very well those times I hated Him.  I can remember crying because I was lonely.  I remember sitting on top of my car just crying, thinking God, why?  If I just stop loving you now I can go be friends with all those people that will take me down the wrong path.  Then I won't be lonely anymore.  I hated Him then, and He knew.  But, you know, God is big enough to take it.  He knew what was really in my heart and He knew that one day I would love Him, really really love Him again.   God wants me to be His child, and I need to be His child.  I will be lonely again, and I will tell God I hate Him, but He will always come through.  

I'm running away.

I don't know where I'm going.

My prayer is in my pocket.

It says to sing.

I'm running away.

I don't know where I'm going.

Jesus is with me.

He's lighting my path.

He's walking ahead.

I'm running away.

My prayer is in my pocket.

It says to sing.

So I sing.

I Could Just Slap Myself in the Face

Wow.

It wasn't even him the entire time.

I'm am such a fool.  

...

Lesson learned.

I'm a DRAMA QUEEN.

I need to chill out.

I bet that was fun for whoever it really was.

Awesome.

This is The End

"This is the end.  I need you like water in my lungs."

I've been struggling for the past few days with this decision:

should I let him go?

I fell oddly in love with a boy back when I was 14.  I know that sounds strange, I agree.  Most 14 year olds probably aren't capable of that, I mean really capalbe.  Well I was capable apparently.  I guess maybe I didn't really realize how much I loved him then.  Now I know, and it hurts.  Yes, love hurts.  I've been trying ever since we broke up to be his friend.  That's all I've ever wanted was to be his friend.  Many times I thought I was succeeding, then he would turn around and be... for lack of better word a douche bag.  More recently I really thought maybe I was succeeding in winning his friendship.  I realize the things he said suggested maybe he wanted more, so maybe in all reality I was in fact the douche bag to have led him on in such a way.  I just wanted SO badly to be his friend that I couldn't put him first and stop my foolish ways.  So on I went eagerly checking my facebook and myspace every day in hopes that he left me something.  In hopes that he was online so that we could talk.  Soon I discovered that his phone was turned back on so I texted it just to find out if I still had the right number.  He called me and I thought YAY!  Oh, wow I was wrong.  He was only talking in spanish so I couldn't understand a thing he was saying.  I just laughed thinking maybe soon it would end.  Finally I hung up.  I then proceeded to text him determined to find out what was going on.  The spanish nonsense was not coming to an end.  I started talking in french and that was that until later that night he called.  Both times I hung up.  I texted him, yea I know I'm mature, and said that if he wanted to talk to me he could talk to me in English.  He then proceede to text really odd things, in english, but I still couldn't understand.  I thought to myself, he must be drunk.  When I asked him he said on my way.  With that I was furious so I gave up.  Later he asked me to call him.  I don't know how to talk to drunk people, so I avoided that.  The little girl in love that's inside of me came out soon and I found myself worrying about him.  I texted him later that night and asked if he was OK.  The responses were bizarre, so I thought he must really be drunk.  I then gave up and went to bed.  In the night I got a call and I woke up in a sleepy haze and either hung up or didn't answer.  I can't really remember.  The next day I was telling my friend Tasha all about this at Starbucks.  I decided to text him and see if he remembered calling me.  He asked me to call him and I told him I was with a friend.  Maybe only 10 minutes later he calls me.  I answered normally and he spoke normally until... he didn't.  I hung up.  He called back.  I just listened until he got tired of being weird and he hung up.  That was the end of that, I thought.  Again, late that night he called.  I answered slightly aware of what was happening.  I don't remember anything he said, I just remember I said "It's like... midnight!"  He soon hung up as did I and I went back to bed.  I haven't heard a thing from him since.  

All of this nonsense is lost on me.  We were talking like friends before his phone got turned on.  We were being civil and caring to one another.  "How are you?  What's new?"  Small talk questions.  Now it's all screwed up.  I gave it a few days, secretly hoping he would say something, call me and be normal.  None of that.  I'm doing all I can to let go off him.  As lame as it sounds, I've deleted him from my myspace and erased his number.  I know that's pretty immature sounding but what else can I do?  No matter what I will always be somewhat emotionally connected to the man.  I can't help but be sad and miss him.  If I don't let go now, it will just be harder later.  He obviously was trying to give me a hint or something.  Maybe he wants to let go too.  Maybe he just hates me, I don't know.  Whatever the case I can't keep trying with someone who isn't going to keep trying back.  It sucks having to let go, again.  I'm sure I've done this many times before.  This time I think it's permanent.  I say I think because I'm not a psychic or anything.  For all I know I could awkwardly bump into him and start this process all over again.  

I didn't want to let go for selfish reasons.  I wanted to be able to talk to him.  He's really the only guy who paid me any attention, whether it was good or bad, I'm sure I could have cared less about the difference at the time.  I didn't want to let go because somewhere inside me was a caring reason.  I thought, maybe just maybe Jesus will use me to reach him.  I thought, if we can just be on the same page spiritually we can be together again.  So really I tried to convince myself it was for a caring reason.  Really, it was all selfish.  Now I've realized that I was being a fool, a fool in love if you will.  This is the end.  I'm ready to find out who I am without all that emotional baggage.

I couldn't let go of you to save my life

I'm swimming ashore but I stop short

You're behind me, struggling

I was behind you but you saved me

At least for a little while

At least for a little while

I'm letting go

Even though it hurts

I'm letting go

You can save yourself

You can save yourself