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I have returned safely from Nicaragua.

The first week was brutal, and I was nearly regretting my decision to go. I missed home, I was worried about my parents for some reason, hoping they were OK. I was frustrated because the dynamics of the team was, well, frustrating. There were 2 couples, and then several family members. They all had each other to lean on, I felt a bit lonely. I was missing Bry, however, at the same time thinking if she had been there I wouldn't have tried AT ALL to reach out to anybody else. By the second week I started becoming more adjusted, and have a better experience. By then though, it was almost time to leave. I always depart feeling like I could stay longer. I was ready to get away and not have to travel by the buddy system anymore, but I'm not adjusting back into life here very well. I went to The Maxx to get my paycheck, and I had plans to do some other things around town, but after I left The Maxx I had this incredible sense of anxiety and all I wanted to do was go home. It's really hard for me to wrap my head around all these choices available to us in the United States. Everyone searches for what makes them an individual, what seperates them from others. I've always been big on that, finding my originality. Now though, it kind of sickens me. Not to say it's a bad thing, it's not at all, however it just seems so insignificant. The clothes that I wear do not in any way make me who I am. The music that I listen to is nearly a small fraction of me. I don't know, it just seems that self expression can be so selfish. Shouldn't we discover our talents, and use them for selfless acts of love, instead of gloating about them? I find it interesting how sometimes, just to fill dead air, we tend to drag on about ourselves. The music we listen to, the movies we watch, the television we do, or in some cases, don't watch. I suppose this is all a part of natural conversation, but sometimes it just sounds so obnoxious to me. Sometimes dead air is a good thing. If you are comfortable enough with someone that silence isn't awkward, rather peaceful, that is awesome. If you are comfortable enough with yourself that you can rest in that, even more awesome. Why are we always looking for things to say? I guess maybe this is all coming from a place of embarrassment, feeling silly about things I myself said to fill dead air.

Speaking of which, something I realized is that Nicaragua is an experience in humility. You learn your strengths, your weaknesses. You become embarrassed because you mabye can't do as much as others. You run straight into the conrner of a roof, fall on your tush, and feel like a doofus. Then you cry about it like a baby. It's all very humbling, you learn to laugh at yourself.

Nicaragua this year was a learning experience all around, more than the last 2 years. It wasn't as new and exciting as my first trip, so I had a lot of time to just wander off into my own head. I learned I value getting time to myself, I value being able to do things by myself, without a buddy. I learned that I don't really know where I'm going, or much of what I believe in. I learned God can't do all the work for me, I have to be willing, and I haven't been. I learned I've made it all too complicated, and if I could just simplify it all I could be at peace. It should be as simple as this: Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and with all your strength.

That is all it takes.

lkasjgwok

I think...

I don't even know what I think anymore.

I miss Bry.

I'm frazzled that she can't come to Nicaragua.

I know that I'll see her again, sometime.

It's just hard to tell when.

This summer seems like it's going to drag on.

Of course, it's only Tuesday, and I haven't done much so far.

I keep praying, and doing somewhat of a daily devotion.

I haven't fully committed again. I'm lost on... having a hard time giving up... I don't even know what it is!!!

I just really, am 100% apathetic. I think it's a defense, that way I don't have to feel anything. Because I've already felt enough, and I'd rather just not feel anything.

need

What I need is a new light.

My fire has fizzled out, flame by flame, I've died a slow death to myself.

I'm lethargic, completely apathetic, lazy, unattentive.  

I'm rude.

I need God.

I ran away, and I'm having a hard time finding the path back.

I remember being passionate, full of life, on fire.

I'm not anymore.

I miss that.

I can't even cry.

I'm stoeic.

I'm dead.

You know how sometimes you wake up and you just think, man I don't want to go to school today?

Or you think, I really don't want to go to work today?

That's how I feel about youth group right now.

I'm so frustrated with everyone and I'm sick of rude people and I'm just fed up.  I don't even want to go anymore.  I used to look forward to going, I don't anymore.  The only things that keep me there are Bry, and worship practice.  Otherwise I wouldn't go.  I get in a bad mood on Tuesday nights and I just want to leave immediately after Andy's sermon. 

Last Tue Bry and I went to the park after youth and I just wanted to brust into tears, of course I didnt, because I don't do that.  When Bry leaves what reason will I have to keep going?  There won't be any worship during the summer so I won't have to prepare for that anymore.  I'm torn because I LOVE JV.  I look forward to that more than Varsity.  If I don't go to Varsity though, Andy won't let me help out in JV.  I'm irritated because I know that I need a change in attitude, but at the same time it's really hard when you don't even look forward to it anymore.  I'm not getting anything out of it other than anger, is it really worth it?

Career Aspirations: An essay I actually enjoyed writing!

 As  young children we think about what  we want to do for the rest of our lives.  When we are little we stretch our imagination, we have so much faith in our own abilities.  We dream of being amazing people, with amazing careers.  As we grow up we lose that faith, and we begin to doubt ourselves.  It’s easy to start looking at the “bigger picture” and wonder which career will have the best salary. Which career will allow me to raise a family?  We think to ourselves, “am I even capable of being a firefighter, a teacher, a fashion designer?”  Wouldn’t it be so much better, if like little children, we believed in ourselves, and chased after that idea that made us most happy?

                I can remember the moment I thought I wanted to be a nurse.  My dad had been in the hospital for back surgery, and I was taking care of him..  He was in so much pain, and it was the first time I ever saw him cry.  That vulnerability in my dad broke my heart, but it opened me up to a world of possibilities.  I thought how much I enjoyed taking care of him, and how much I could enjoy taking care of others.  Little did I know, the nursing world has a load of secrets unknown to those who have never experienced it for themselves.  As I go through the clinical experience I lose more and more of my child like faith.  I also begin to wonder if I truly have a passion for it.  The frustrating thing is, I love the learning aspect, I’m just not that into the doing aspect.  It’s a soul crushing career, a back breaking career.    

                When I signed up for my eleventh grade year the idea of being a nurse was still strong in my heart, so I took all the necessary classes to become a nursing assistant by the end of the year.  I was fine about the idea for all of the first semester but as second semester approached and we had to sign up for clinicals, I got scared.  I almost didn’t do it.  A friend of mine was feeling the same way, but we decided to go ahead and do it, so we signed up together.  Even during the first three weeks when clinicals were just in a classroom at school, I was doubting if nursing was something I really wanted to do.  Once we got to the facilities I gained a little more confidence and thought maybe it was something I was capable of doing.  However, my first few times in the nursing home I didn’t have to do much of the dirty work.  I got to feed a few people, and tuck a few people into bed.  When our group moved from Cheyenne Health Care to Life Care, I froze up.  I lost all my confidence in one night.  I’ve come to the conclusion that I am not strong enough for this career.  My back is weak, and my emotions are fragile.  There have been several times when I thought I might just have to leave the room.  Some of the residents at these facilities just want to die, and it breaks my heart. 

                Since my experiences in health care classes, and at the nursing home, I’ve come to ponder new ideas.  I picked up a book at the library that has altered my direction.  It’s a medical book, but it compares the difference between traditional Western medicine, and the not so traditional healing methods of the Hmong tribe in Asia.  It’s an incredible anthropologic novel and it has caused me to wonder if perhaps I wouldn’t be better suited for a career in social science.  I’ve always been attracted to things of other cultures.  When I was little I can remember going to the Indian Village at Frontier Days and being absolutely captivated by their culture.  The way the dressed, the way they danced, and the way they talked.  I’ve always had a longing in my heart to travel and when I had an opportunity to leave the country, I took it.  Paige, the U.S. field director of Peace and Hope Trust, came to talk to my youth group about a mission’s trip to Nicaragua.  I knew I wanted to go almost immediately.  I grabbed all the pamphlets and looked at all the pictures.  I rushed home and told my parents about it, and to my surprise they replied instantaneously with the answer I wanted most, yes!  Going to Nicaragua has been the greatest experience of my life.  The country is rich in culture and seeping with life.  When my team was leaving last year, I began to cry.  I didn’t want to leave!  At that moment I knew I was going back the next summer.  It’s an opportunity I will never cease to be thankful for. 

In the end the clinical experience has been a good one.  If anything it helped me discover what I don’t want to do.  It has also allowed me to broaden my horizons and explore new ideas.  I have a tendency to marry any idea that crosses my path, and when I lose interest sometimes I start to panic.  I have my whole life left to learn, and I expect that when I get into college things will start coming together and I’ll figure out what it is exactly that I want to do.  This school year alone has been a whirlwind of learning experiences, and although most of the things I have tried have been things I won’t pursue, I don’t think that any time spent has been wasted. 

                 

Push me, I'll overflow.

you show no fear do you?

who are you underneath that brute mask?

with your staff in hand you trudge ahead, never thinking to stop for a drink, for a break.

you're lazy, yet you have such a will to not give in to matters of the heart.

stop blaming your past.

you're old enough now that what you do is your own choice.

a choice possibly bred from days long ago, but have you no identity?

I feel as if I am all locked up inside.  I never spill, I never tip over, you can't unlock me.  Vulnerability is a beautiful thing.  To put your emotions out on the table, to bring to them that tangible characteristic so others know, that's courage, it's beauty.  I have such a struggle with this.  Even with my parents I'm reluctant to open up.  I have my moments where I'm an open book, but that's often with the small petty things.  It all builds up inside stressing me out.  Push me, I'll overflow.  Often times I want so bad to erupt and say what's on my heart.  I want to cry and blabber, get it ALL out.  I'm ashamed though.  I'm ashamed of who I've become.  This girl of the world.  The ONE thing I used to protest the most, I'm tempted with the most now.  I want someone to know but my heart breaks to think they would see me differently.  Then I feel like I'm living two lives.  One for God, one for the world.  Trisha, you can't have both!  I know that.  I also know I want the life for God.  I'm just so full of anger from this girl I'm turning into I can't seem to back out of this cornenr.  I feel stuck in her shoes and I want out.  I feel tempted by 14 year old me.  Taunting me like in Mirrormask.  "Real life, you couldn't handle REAL LIFE!"  Just like Helena I'm looking through windows and seeing me, but I'm seeing the me I wish I could be.  The me I truly want to be, the me I could be if I could just stop saying ME and turn to Jesus.  Just like everything else though, I'm lazy.  I'm not stupid, I'm not dense, I'm just lazy.  

God, can I walk with you?