This is The End

"This is the end.  I need you like water in my lungs."

I've been struggling for the past few days with this decision:

should I let him go?

I fell oddly in love with a boy back when I was 14.  I know that sounds strange, I agree.  Most 14 year olds probably aren't capable of that, I mean really capalbe.  Well I was capable apparently.  I guess maybe I didn't really realize how much I loved him then.  Now I know, and it hurts.  Yes, love hurts.  I've been trying ever since we broke up to be his friend.  That's all I've ever wanted was to be his friend.  Many times I thought I was succeeding, then he would turn around and be... for lack of better word a douche bag.  More recently I really thought maybe I was succeeding in winning his friendship.  I realize the things he said suggested maybe he wanted more, so maybe in all reality I was in fact the douche bag to have led him on in such a way.  I just wanted SO badly to be his friend that I couldn't put him first and stop my foolish ways.  So on I went eagerly checking my facebook and myspace every day in hopes that he left me something.  In hopes that he was online so that we could talk.  Soon I discovered that his phone was turned back on so I texted it just to find out if I still had the right number.  He called me and I thought YAY!  Oh, wow I was wrong.  He was only talking in spanish so I couldn't understand a thing he was saying.  I just laughed thinking maybe soon it would end.  Finally I hung up.  I then proceeded to text him determined to find out what was going on.  The spanish nonsense was not coming to an end.  I started talking in french and that was that until later that night he called.  Both times I hung up.  I texted him, yea I know I'm mature, and said that if he wanted to talk to me he could talk to me in English.  He then proceede to text really odd things, in english, but I still couldn't understand.  I thought to myself, he must be drunk.  When I asked him he said on my way.  With that I was furious so I gave up.  Later he asked me to call him.  I don't know how to talk to drunk people, so I avoided that.  The little girl in love that's inside of me came out soon and I found myself worrying about him.  I texted him later that night and asked if he was OK.  The responses were bizarre, so I thought he must really be drunk.  I then gave up and went to bed.  In the night I got a call and I woke up in a sleepy haze and either hung up or didn't answer.  I can't really remember.  The next day I was telling my friend Tasha all about this at Starbucks.  I decided to text him and see if he remembered calling me.  He asked me to call him and I told him I was with a friend.  Maybe only 10 minutes later he calls me.  I answered normally and he spoke normally until... he didn't.  I hung up.  He called back.  I just listened until he got tired of being weird and he hung up.  That was the end of that, I thought.  Again, late that night he called.  I answered slightly aware of what was happening.  I don't remember anything he said, I just remember I said "It's like... midnight!"  He soon hung up as did I and I went back to bed.  I haven't heard a thing from him since.  

All of this nonsense is lost on me.  We were talking like friends before his phone got turned on.  We were being civil and caring to one another.  "How are you?  What's new?"  Small talk questions.  Now it's all screwed up.  I gave it a few days, secretly hoping he would say something, call me and be normal.  None of that.  I'm doing all I can to let go off him.  As lame as it sounds, I've deleted him from my myspace and erased his number.  I know that's pretty immature sounding but what else can I do?  No matter what I will always be somewhat emotionally connected to the man.  I can't help but be sad and miss him.  If I don't let go now, it will just be harder later.  He obviously was trying to give me a hint or something.  Maybe he wants to let go too.  Maybe he just hates me, I don't know.  Whatever the case I can't keep trying with someone who isn't going to keep trying back.  It sucks having to let go, again.  I'm sure I've done this many times before.  This time I think it's permanent.  I say I think because I'm not a psychic or anything.  For all I know I could awkwardly bump into him and start this process all over again.  

I didn't want to let go for selfish reasons.  I wanted to be able to talk to him.  He's really the only guy who paid me any attention, whether it was good or bad, I'm sure I could have cared less about the difference at the time.  I didn't want to let go because somewhere inside me was a caring reason.  I thought, maybe just maybe Jesus will use me to reach him.  I thought, if we can just be on the same page spiritually we can be together again.  So really I tried to convince myself it was for a caring reason.  Really, it was all selfish.  Now I've realized that I was being a fool, a fool in love if you will.  This is the end.  I'm ready to find out who I am without all that emotional baggage.

I couldn't let go of you to save my life

I'm swimming ashore but I stop short

You're behind me, struggling

I was behind you but you saved me

At least for a little while

At least for a little while

I'm letting go

Even though it hurts

I'm letting go

You can save yourself

You can save yourself