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I have returned safely from Nicaragua.

The first week was brutal, and I was nearly regretting my decision to go. I missed home, I was worried about my parents for some reason, hoping they were OK. I was frustrated because the dynamics of the team was, well, frustrating. There were 2 couples, and then several family members. They all had each other to lean on, I felt a bit lonely. I was missing Bry, however, at the same time thinking if she had been there I wouldn't have tried AT ALL to reach out to anybody else. By the second week I started becoming more adjusted, and have a better experience. By then though, it was almost time to leave. I always depart feeling like I could stay longer. I was ready to get away and not have to travel by the buddy system anymore, but I'm not adjusting back into life here very well. I went to The Maxx to get my paycheck, and I had plans to do some other things around town, but after I left The Maxx I had this incredible sense of anxiety and all I wanted to do was go home. It's really hard for me to wrap my head around all these choices available to us in the United States. Everyone searches for what makes them an individual, what seperates them from others. I've always been big on that, finding my originality. Now though, it kind of sickens me. Not to say it's a bad thing, it's not at all, however it just seems so insignificant. The clothes that I wear do not in any way make me who I am. The music that I listen to is nearly a small fraction of me. I don't know, it just seems that self expression can be so selfish. Shouldn't we discover our talents, and use them for selfless acts of love, instead of gloating about them? I find it interesting how sometimes, just to fill dead air, we tend to drag on about ourselves. The music we listen to, the movies we watch, the television we do, or in some cases, don't watch. I suppose this is all a part of natural conversation, but sometimes it just sounds so obnoxious to me. Sometimes dead air is a good thing. If you are comfortable enough with someone that silence isn't awkward, rather peaceful, that is awesome. If you are comfortable enough with yourself that you can rest in that, even more awesome. Why are we always looking for things to say? I guess maybe this is all coming from a place of embarrassment, feeling silly about things I myself said to fill dead air.

Speaking of which, something I realized is that Nicaragua is an experience in humility. You learn your strengths, your weaknesses. You become embarrassed because you mabye can't do as much as others. You run straight into the conrner of a roof, fall on your tush, and feel like a doofus. Then you cry about it like a baby. It's all very humbling, you learn to laugh at yourself.

Nicaragua this year was a learning experience all around, more than the last 2 years. It wasn't as new and exciting as my first trip, so I had a lot of time to just wander off into my own head. I learned I value getting time to myself, I value being able to do things by myself, without a buddy. I learned that I don't really know where I'm going, or much of what I believe in. I learned God can't do all the work for me, I have to be willing, and I haven't been. I learned I've made it all too complicated, and if I could just simplify it all I could be at peace. It should be as simple as this: Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and with all your strength.

That is all it takes.