mortality

I hit it again, that long confusing stretch where I am lost in translation.  NO idea what I want to do with the rest of my life.  Okay, let's rephrase that, I know I want to do something amazing, something fulfilling and rewarding but I basically haven't the slightest clue exactly what.  Clinicals have been going okay but we switched to lifecare and I like it a lot less than Health Care, of course I've only been twice, both of which were rather cruddy experiences.  There is in fact something rewarding about working with these people but sometimes it's incredibly soul crushing.  It's the realization of my mortality on the earth.  I know that essentially I'm "immortal" because I do believe in Heaven and I gotta say I plan on ending up there but there's a sadness in thinking about leaving this earth, and not knowing what Heaven will be like.  I think about Heaven sometimes as a thoughtless emotionless place.  We are all like these clones bumming around looking for Jesus, waiting for our turn to touch his cloak or hear his voice.  I know it can't possibly be like that, but goodness, sometimes that's how it comes across.  I want to be able to lie under that night sky with Jesus and look at the stars.  I want Heaven to be a lot like earth, only better.  You know, the same sort of environment.  Trees, forests, jungles, animals, my dogs!  Duke and Bella you know... but they won't be nearly as important to me as Jesus. Obviously, I mean they aren't now but since Jesus will be tangible and visible in Heaven it will be a lot easier to be like dogs : )...  OOOH JESUS!!!  

There is an experience I had at Cheyenne Health Care that I can not push out of my mind.  We were changing this woman's brief and putting her to bed and she was pretty much dead weight.  It was like she was a live corpse.  Even her eyes were dead.  Basically she was dead.  It was the most terrible feeling.  I can handle the men and women who have alzheimers and say and do crazy things because they are mostly lively and attentive.  They're scared but they're alive, there's still some light left in their eyes.  This woman though, she was dead.  It makes me wonder why she was even still alive?  It completely broke my heart.  What point is there to life if you can't even participate.  It brings me back to Lorenzo's Oil where Lorenzo was completely incontenent.  Basically he had aged back to a baby.  He lay there in bed, moving his eyes from side to side seeing all this life happening around him, but he couldn't say anything, he couldn't get up and join in.  I hate to question God's reasoning, but I just wonder, why?  If I ever got to that point I'd really just like to die.  I can't imagine being trapped in a body that couldn't do anything.  Your minds functioning, you can see and hear and smell, but you can't get up.  You can't wipe your own tush, put on your own clothes, take off your own socks, light your own cigarette.  (there's a man at lifecare who smokes, and the CNA's or nurses or whoever have to light his cigarette.)  There was a picture of this man when he was young above his bed and I got incredibly sad.  He was very handsome as a young man, and there was a picture of him with his wife.  It's interesting to have to start realizing your mortality.  We all know we are going to die, we've always known, but we live as if we won't.  Which, is a good way to live for the most part.  But you do however have to picture yourself at the end so you can take better care of yourself in the present to keep going til the end.  I know I don't ever want to end up in a nursing home because I've seen first hand the way residents are often treated, and forgotten about.  I don't want to ask for a box of tissues and end up having to blow my nose in my shirt cause I never get any.  I don't wanna be left sitting on the toilet waiting to be put to bed.  I want to live to a decent age but I pray I never get alzheimers or dementia or anything like that.  

I kind of rabbit trailed for a ridiculously long time...

basically I don't know if I want to be a nurse anymore.  There is so much ridiculous he said she said drama in health care.  A lot of health care workers smoke.  I went out with my CNA for her smoke break and it was pitiful the way those women talked.  They were acting like 12 year olds who just figured out how to swear.  I still feel connected to health care though because I'm oddly good at it.  I really enjoy the challenging ethical topics and I like studying word parts and organs and abbreviations.  I have kind of gone back to the idea of an emergency med tech.  I'm excited to go to the hospital in May for clinicals.  Hopefully I'll get to experience the fast paced chaos in the ER.  Well, maybe not so much at CRMC but who knows, stuff happens.