you show no fear do you?
who are you underneath that brute mask?
with your staff in hand you trudge ahead, never thinking to stop for a drink, for a break.
you're lazy, yet you have such a will to not give in to matters of the heart.
stop blaming your past.
you're old enough now that what you do is your own choice.
a choice possibly bred from days long ago, but have you no identity?
I feel as if I am all locked up inside. I never spill, I never tip over, you can't unlock me. Vulnerability is a beautiful thing. To put your emotions out on the table, to bring to them that tangible characteristic so others know, that's courage, it's beauty. I have such a struggle with this. Even with my parents I'm reluctant to open up. I have my moments where I'm an open book, but that's often with the small petty things. It all builds up inside stressing me out. Push me, I'll overflow. Often times I want so bad to erupt and say what's on my heart. I want to cry and blabber, get it ALL out. I'm ashamed though. I'm ashamed of who I've become. This girl of the world. The ONE thing I used to protest the most, I'm tempted with the most now. I want someone to know but my heart breaks to think they would see me differently. Then I feel like I'm living two lives. One for God, one for the world. Trisha, you can't have both! I know that. I also know I want the life for God. I'm just so full of anger from this girl I'm turning into I can't seem to back out of this cornenr. I feel stuck in her shoes and I want out. I feel tempted by 14 year old me. Taunting me like in Mirrormask. "Real life, you couldn't handle REAL LIFE!" Just like Helena I'm looking through windows and seeing me, but I'm seeing the me I wish I could be. The me I truly want to be, the me I could be if I could just stop saying ME and turn to Jesus. Just like everything else though, I'm lazy. I'm not stupid, I'm not dense, I'm just lazy.
God, can I walk with you?
Hey love,
ReplyDeletethis is something that i've struggled with as well. I know it never helps when someone says, "i know how you feel" but I do. its quite the process to turn completely to Jesus, but once you do, it's the most amazing thing in this entire earth. and knowing him makes you forget the world, or at least become numb to the things that used to greatly effect you. satan just finds that one place where he knows we are the weakest and he just keeps building it up and building it up. and God sees the intentions of the heart, he sees that you are seeking him and he's there. Just reach out.. and you know the problems don't end, but God has the power to help you overcome. i love you lady. and God's got you in his arms.
Hey Trish,
ReplyDeletehey i know you are probably think wth why is this random guy (jason) posting on here, but i just wanted to let you know that all the things that you do on wednesdays rock the kids world. The light that you are on stage helps them see how it can be cool for someone to worship Jesus, even though in school they may be made fun of for their beliefs. I know its hard to be the person that you think that you should be he knows that you are on the road and seeking the cross and arent just one of the crowd... like jeff has said before sometimes God gives us more that we can handle on our own so that we will turn to him and let him take us in his arms.. just think on this and if you ever need just call
jason