blasted chivalry

It's such a complex thing because in my mind I want men and women to be equal. Of course there are obvious things that make us total different beings, but all at once we are the same. I feel that chivalry denounces the equality. I do not need a man to pay for me, as I have my own money. While it's nice every once in a while, I see no need for it all the time, and in tern I think the woman should pay for her man too! Then, as I examine this, I see the flaws in my thinking, or the hypocrisy in my thinking perhaps. When a man pays for me to see a movie or whatever, I feel like he is treating me well. BLASTED! Money does not equal good treatment. Then when I go to a movie with a fella, that is just a friend, and he pays for me, is there a need to explain that this is not a date? For what reason? And if I were to pay for him would he feel the need to explain it is not a date, if he didn't see it as such? I feel if a fellow is always opening doors for me and chauffeuring me around then that ruins the equality! However, I do quite enjoy such treatment! In some sense, I do feel as if chivalry doesn't denounce equality, because women show men their love and affection in other ways. Quite frankly, I don't have any examples of that, but I know it's true. Women show love through quality time and men tend to show love through acts of affection, wooing his lovely lady by opening doors for her and paying for her and so on. It's awfully distressing to me at the moment because I seem unable to see the light of chivalry. Perhaps, it is because, I have grown up so independent. Well, I have grown up in a family that strives for independence anyways, and therefore I sought it for myself. Chivalry seems to be stripping me off that and I don't really like it! Here comes another counterpoint, God does not call us to be independent. This realization hit me like a hammer when my car broke down and I had to bum rides from my friends and family, which I wasn't bumming rides at all, I was accepting help from people that love me, and that is not at all a bad thing. So then, is chivalry accepting help? Is there light in chivalry as long as the woman is helping the man as well?

Anxiety, Toilets, and Coffee

If you know me very well at all, you know that I have to pee ALL THE TIME!

Seriously, ALL THE TIME!

It's ridiculous. It's been like this for as long as I can remember, but recently it's gotten worse.

I get afraid to stay hydrated, because if I am drinking enough water I have to pee even more.

It's a bit of an odd topic, I know, but I really have no shame, seeing as how if you spend any time with me, you'll find out either by the fact that I make many trips to the bathroom, or you'll hear me complain about it.

About 2 years ago I had a procedure to fix this issue, and it did squat. I woke up from the anesthesia feeling like I had to pee, and I couldn't go! It was terrible!

Normally, I just have to go maybe every hour, which is a lot. But lately, I'm not even kidding you when I say this, it's every 20 minutes at least. I can hold it, and not have to go right away, but I have the feeling of having to go somewhere around every 15-20 minutes.

I go to the bathroom several times during the course of my morning. One of those times being directly before I leave for school. Once I get to school, if I want to make it through first hour somewhat comfortably, I have to go before class. Then after class, sometimes during class. After second hour, and third hour. IT'S OUTRAGEOUS!!! And it's not just like a little tinkle, it's a stream, a river. A lot.

I came to the conclusion that it has something to do with the fact that I am anxious ALL THE TIME! My muscles are always tight. My body is hardly ever relaxed. So I feel like I'm holding it in all the time, which then must make me think I have to go. I've tried to solve this by taking deep breaths, and not flexing those muscles down yonder. It's not really something I can just do, I have to think about it, so it doesn't happen very often. I told my mother about my frustration, and my theory, and she said it's the coffee. So I'm currently fasting from caffeinated coffee, and caffeine in general. It's only been two days, so I can't say much. So far it hasn't helped anything at all. I actually think I'm more relaxed when I do have caffeine in the mornings. Of course, that could just be me justifying my coffee addiction. I'm going to keep going with this for a while, and see if any improvement comes about, however I'm just really irritated with it in the meantime. I don't really know what a doctor would tell me anyways. I do NOT want to get on any anxiety medication, or bladder medication. I tried bladder medication once and all it did was make my pee orange. I'm pretty sure all anxiety medications have severe depressive side effects. AYE AYE AYE!!!! I just want to visit the facilities a normal amount!

Sunrise Sunset

"When I go for a drive I like to pull off to the side, of the road, turn out the lights, get out and look up at the sky.

And I do this to remind me that I'm really, really tiny, in the grand scheme of things, and sometimes this terrifies me, and it's only really scary cause it makes me feel serene in a way I never thought I'd be because I've never been. So grounded and so humble and so one with everything. I am grounded I am humbled I am one with everything."

It's so amazing to me, to live in WY and have the opportunity, the freedom, to drive off when I fanacy and watch the sunrise, watch it set. Doing this is an act of worship, not only that, it's an act of praise. I thank God that I am blessed to experience the beauty of the WY sky. I thank God that I have the freedom to drive off on my own, get out of my car, and look up at the sky. No matter how many summer nights go by, the sky always amazes me. The beauty of it. The size of it. Thinking back to what I love about Nicaragua, I realize something that you can't appreciate there, like you can here, is the sky. The sky here is so outrageously open, so big. I love to drive off into the country, off of Horse Creek, past the point that the road starts to narrow. Traffic is scarce, city lights are inconspicuous. It never tires for me, regardless of if I drove off to watch it every night, it would be a new spectacle to admire every time.

What's even more amazing for me, is that I have the freedom to do that. My parents just let me drive off, with hardly a word.

"I'm going to watch the sunset."

"OK, enjoy."

: ) Simple as that. They trust me completely. It's fabulous, and I'm grateful.

"I am just a speck of dust inside a giants eye"

Reverse

I have returned safely from Nicaragua.

The first week was brutal, and I was nearly regretting my decision to go. I missed home, I was worried about my parents for some reason, hoping they were OK. I was frustrated because the dynamics of the team was, well, frustrating. There were 2 couples, and then several family members. They all had each other to lean on, I felt a bit lonely. I was missing Bry, however, at the same time thinking if she had been there I wouldn't have tried AT ALL to reach out to anybody else. By the second week I started becoming more adjusted, and have a better experience. By then though, it was almost time to leave. I always depart feeling like I could stay longer. I was ready to get away and not have to travel by the buddy system anymore, but I'm not adjusting back into life here very well. I went to The Maxx to get my paycheck, and I had plans to do some other things around town, but after I left The Maxx I had this incredible sense of anxiety and all I wanted to do was go home. It's really hard for me to wrap my head around all these choices available to us in the United States. Everyone searches for what makes them an individual, what seperates them from others. I've always been big on that, finding my originality. Now though, it kind of sickens me. Not to say it's a bad thing, it's not at all, however it just seems so insignificant. The clothes that I wear do not in any way make me who I am. The music that I listen to is nearly a small fraction of me. I don't know, it just seems that self expression can be so selfish. Shouldn't we discover our talents, and use them for selfless acts of love, instead of gloating about them? I find it interesting how sometimes, just to fill dead air, we tend to drag on about ourselves. The music we listen to, the movies we watch, the television we do, or in some cases, don't watch. I suppose this is all a part of natural conversation, but sometimes it just sounds so obnoxious to me. Sometimes dead air is a good thing. If you are comfortable enough with someone that silence isn't awkward, rather peaceful, that is awesome. If you are comfortable enough with yourself that you can rest in that, even more awesome. Why are we always looking for things to say? I guess maybe this is all coming from a place of embarrassment, feeling silly about things I myself said to fill dead air.

Speaking of which, something I realized is that Nicaragua is an experience in humility. You learn your strengths, your weaknesses. You become embarrassed because you mabye can't do as much as others. You run straight into the conrner of a roof, fall on your tush, and feel like a doofus. Then you cry about it like a baby. It's all very humbling, you learn to laugh at yourself.

Nicaragua this year was a learning experience all around, more than the last 2 years. It wasn't as new and exciting as my first trip, so I had a lot of time to just wander off into my own head. I learned I value getting time to myself, I value being able to do things by myself, without a buddy. I learned that I don't really know where I'm going, or much of what I believe in. I learned God can't do all the work for me, I have to be willing, and I haven't been. I learned I've made it all too complicated, and if I could just simplify it all I could be at peace. It should be as simple as this: Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and with all your strength.

That is all it takes.

lkasjgwok

I think...

I don't even know what I think anymore.

I miss Bry.

I'm frazzled that she can't come to Nicaragua.

I know that I'll see her again, sometime.

It's just hard to tell when.

This summer seems like it's going to drag on.

Of course, it's only Tuesday, and I haven't done much so far.

I keep praying, and doing somewhat of a daily devotion.

I haven't fully committed again. I'm lost on... having a hard time giving up... I don't even know what it is!!!

I just really, am 100% apathetic. I think it's a defense, that way I don't have to feel anything. Because I've already felt enough, and I'd rather just not feel anything.

need

What I need is a new light.

My fire has fizzled out, flame by flame, I've died a slow death to myself.

I'm lethargic, completely apathetic, lazy, unattentive.  

I'm rude.

I need God.

I ran away, and I'm having a hard time finding the path back.

I remember being passionate, full of life, on fire.

I'm not anymore.

I miss that.

I can't even cry.

I'm stoeic.

I'm dead.

You know how sometimes you wake up and you just think, man I don't want to go to school today?

Or you think, I really don't want to go to work today?

That's how I feel about youth group right now.

I'm so frustrated with everyone and I'm sick of rude people and I'm just fed up.  I don't even want to go anymore.  I used to look forward to going, I don't anymore.  The only things that keep me there are Bry, and worship practice.  Otherwise I wouldn't go.  I get in a bad mood on Tuesday nights and I just want to leave immediately after Andy's sermon. 

Last Tue Bry and I went to the park after youth and I just wanted to brust into tears, of course I didnt, because I don't do that.  When Bry leaves what reason will I have to keep going?  There won't be any worship during the summer so I won't have to prepare for that anymore.  I'm torn because I LOVE JV.  I look forward to that more than Varsity.  If I don't go to Varsity though, Andy won't let me help out in JV.  I'm irritated because I know that I need a change in attitude, but at the same time it's really hard when you don't even look forward to it anymore.  I'm not getting anything out of it other than anger, is it really worth it?

Career Aspirations: An essay I actually enjoyed writing!

 As  young children we think about what  we want to do for the rest of our lives.  When we are little we stretch our imagination, we have so much faith in our own abilities.  We dream of being amazing people, with amazing careers.  As we grow up we lose that faith, and we begin to doubt ourselves.  It’s easy to start looking at the “bigger picture” and wonder which career will have the best salary. Which career will allow me to raise a family?  We think to ourselves, “am I even capable of being a firefighter, a teacher, a fashion designer?”  Wouldn’t it be so much better, if like little children, we believed in ourselves, and chased after that idea that made us most happy?

                I can remember the moment I thought I wanted to be a nurse.  My dad had been in the hospital for back surgery, and I was taking care of him..  He was in so much pain, and it was the first time I ever saw him cry.  That vulnerability in my dad broke my heart, but it opened me up to a world of possibilities.  I thought how much I enjoyed taking care of him, and how much I could enjoy taking care of others.  Little did I know, the nursing world has a load of secrets unknown to those who have never experienced it for themselves.  As I go through the clinical experience I lose more and more of my child like faith.  I also begin to wonder if I truly have a passion for it.  The frustrating thing is, I love the learning aspect, I’m just not that into the doing aspect.  It’s a soul crushing career, a back breaking career.    

                When I signed up for my eleventh grade year the idea of being a nurse was still strong in my heart, so I took all the necessary classes to become a nursing assistant by the end of the year.  I was fine about the idea for all of the first semester but as second semester approached and we had to sign up for clinicals, I got scared.  I almost didn’t do it.  A friend of mine was feeling the same way, but we decided to go ahead and do it, so we signed up together.  Even during the first three weeks when clinicals were just in a classroom at school, I was doubting if nursing was something I really wanted to do.  Once we got to the facilities I gained a little more confidence and thought maybe it was something I was capable of doing.  However, my first few times in the nursing home I didn’t have to do much of the dirty work.  I got to feed a few people, and tuck a few people into bed.  When our group moved from Cheyenne Health Care to Life Care, I froze up.  I lost all my confidence in one night.  I’ve come to the conclusion that I am not strong enough for this career.  My back is weak, and my emotions are fragile.  There have been several times when I thought I might just have to leave the room.  Some of the residents at these facilities just want to die, and it breaks my heart. 

                Since my experiences in health care classes, and at the nursing home, I’ve come to ponder new ideas.  I picked up a book at the library that has altered my direction.  It’s a medical book, but it compares the difference between traditional Western medicine, and the not so traditional healing methods of the Hmong tribe in Asia.  It’s an incredible anthropologic novel and it has caused me to wonder if perhaps I wouldn’t be better suited for a career in social science.  I’ve always been attracted to things of other cultures.  When I was little I can remember going to the Indian Village at Frontier Days and being absolutely captivated by their culture.  The way the dressed, the way they danced, and the way they talked.  I’ve always had a longing in my heart to travel and when I had an opportunity to leave the country, I took it.  Paige, the U.S. field director of Peace and Hope Trust, came to talk to my youth group about a mission’s trip to Nicaragua.  I knew I wanted to go almost immediately.  I grabbed all the pamphlets and looked at all the pictures.  I rushed home and told my parents about it, and to my surprise they replied instantaneously with the answer I wanted most, yes!  Going to Nicaragua has been the greatest experience of my life.  The country is rich in culture and seeping with life.  When my team was leaving last year, I began to cry.  I didn’t want to leave!  At that moment I knew I was going back the next summer.  It’s an opportunity I will never cease to be thankful for. 

In the end the clinical experience has been a good one.  If anything it helped me discover what I don’t want to do.  It has also allowed me to broaden my horizons and explore new ideas.  I have a tendency to marry any idea that crosses my path, and when I lose interest sometimes I start to panic.  I have my whole life left to learn, and I expect that when I get into college things will start coming together and I’ll figure out what it is exactly that I want to do.  This school year alone has been a whirlwind of learning experiences, and although most of the things I have tried have been things I won’t pursue, I don’t think that any time spent has been wasted. 

                 

Push me, I'll overflow.

you show no fear do you?

who are you underneath that brute mask?

with your staff in hand you trudge ahead, never thinking to stop for a drink, for a break.

you're lazy, yet you have such a will to not give in to matters of the heart.

stop blaming your past.

you're old enough now that what you do is your own choice.

a choice possibly bred from days long ago, but have you no identity?

I feel as if I am all locked up inside.  I never spill, I never tip over, you can't unlock me.  Vulnerability is a beautiful thing.  To put your emotions out on the table, to bring to them that tangible characteristic so others know, that's courage, it's beauty.  I have such a struggle with this.  Even with my parents I'm reluctant to open up.  I have my moments where I'm an open book, but that's often with the small petty things.  It all builds up inside stressing me out.  Push me, I'll overflow.  Often times I want so bad to erupt and say what's on my heart.  I want to cry and blabber, get it ALL out.  I'm ashamed though.  I'm ashamed of who I've become.  This girl of the world.  The ONE thing I used to protest the most, I'm tempted with the most now.  I want someone to know but my heart breaks to think they would see me differently.  Then I feel like I'm living two lives.  One for God, one for the world.  Trisha, you can't have both!  I know that.  I also know I want the life for God.  I'm just so full of anger from this girl I'm turning into I can't seem to back out of this cornenr.  I feel stuck in her shoes and I want out.  I feel tempted by 14 year old me.  Taunting me like in Mirrormask.  "Real life, you couldn't handle REAL LIFE!"  Just like Helena I'm looking through windows and seeing me, but I'm seeing the me I wish I could be.  The me I truly want to be, the me I could be if I could just stop saying ME and turn to Jesus.  Just like everything else though, I'm lazy.  I'm not stupid, I'm not dense, I'm just lazy.  

God, can I walk with you?

 

purpose

I think probably one of the biggest things I struggle with is finding a purpose.  I live my life three days ahead of the present and I never seem to allow myself to live in the moment.  One place I can truly say I live one hundred percent in the moment is Nicaragua.  I can't wait to go back!  I've been doubting my desire to go, but whenever I talk to Bry or Kirstin about it I just light up.  When we had our fundraiser dinner a lady I went with in 07 was there and she told me she thought I would never go back, but talking to me then she said she just saw a light in me.  I can't seem to find purpose in Cheyenne though.  When I think about it really hard I know there is one, and I know I'm right where I should be right now.  However, I just can't get that feeling when I'm up on stage doing worship, or in small group, or wherever.  I feel more alive doing spontaneous nonsense that really, doesn't have any purpose except fun.  Which is awesome, I'm 17 I have the privelage of being obnoxious and having fun and working one day a week and making it through 7 days on 50 bucks.  I wish I could live that up.  Sometimes I just feel too preoccupied with the future, what I'm going to do, what I'm going to be.  I need to find purpose NOW.  HERE.  My purpose may be to someday work for Peace and Hope and work in Nicaragua, but that's not what it is now and I need to stop living like it is.  If that's my purpose for the future, then my purpose now is to prepare for that.  However since I have no idea what God has planned for me then my purpose varies from day to day.  Tuesdays my purpose is to show up to youth group and maybe help some new people feel more comfortable.  Can't say I'm too good at that, but I'd say that's my purpose there.  Wednesdays my purpose is to help those kids praise God.  It's to be a role model, and I truly hope I am, especially for the young girls.  Fridays my purpose is to give The Marlow's a clean home and then whatever else I end up doing, babysitting, hangin' out, whatever.  Saturdays I hope I fulfill some bigger purpose at work... anyways... each day is a new purpose and it varies even from that schedule.  I gotta LIVE IN THE NOW!!!

mortality

I hit it again, that long confusing stretch where I am lost in translation.  NO idea what I want to do with the rest of my life.  Okay, let's rephrase that, I know I want to do something amazing, something fulfilling and rewarding but I basically haven't the slightest clue exactly what.  Clinicals have been going okay but we switched to lifecare and I like it a lot less than Health Care, of course I've only been twice, both of which were rather cruddy experiences.  There is in fact something rewarding about working with these people but sometimes it's incredibly soul crushing.  It's the realization of my mortality on the earth.  I know that essentially I'm "immortal" because I do believe in Heaven and I gotta say I plan on ending up there but there's a sadness in thinking about leaving this earth, and not knowing what Heaven will be like.  I think about Heaven sometimes as a thoughtless emotionless place.  We are all like these clones bumming around looking for Jesus, waiting for our turn to touch his cloak or hear his voice.  I know it can't possibly be like that, but goodness, sometimes that's how it comes across.  I want to be able to lie under that night sky with Jesus and look at the stars.  I want Heaven to be a lot like earth, only better.  You know, the same sort of environment.  Trees, forests, jungles, animals, my dogs!  Duke and Bella you know... but they won't be nearly as important to me as Jesus. Obviously, I mean they aren't now but since Jesus will be tangible and visible in Heaven it will be a lot easier to be like dogs : )...  OOOH JESUS!!!  

There is an experience I had at Cheyenne Health Care that I can not push out of my mind.  We were changing this woman's brief and putting her to bed and she was pretty much dead weight.  It was like she was a live corpse.  Even her eyes were dead.  Basically she was dead.  It was the most terrible feeling.  I can handle the men and women who have alzheimers and say and do crazy things because they are mostly lively and attentive.  They're scared but they're alive, there's still some light left in their eyes.  This woman though, she was dead.  It makes me wonder why she was even still alive?  It completely broke my heart.  What point is there to life if you can't even participate.  It brings me back to Lorenzo's Oil where Lorenzo was completely incontenent.  Basically he had aged back to a baby.  He lay there in bed, moving his eyes from side to side seeing all this life happening around him, but he couldn't say anything, he couldn't get up and join in.  I hate to question God's reasoning, but I just wonder, why?  If I ever got to that point I'd really just like to die.  I can't imagine being trapped in a body that couldn't do anything.  Your minds functioning, you can see and hear and smell, but you can't get up.  You can't wipe your own tush, put on your own clothes, take off your own socks, light your own cigarette.  (there's a man at lifecare who smokes, and the CNA's or nurses or whoever have to light his cigarette.)  There was a picture of this man when he was young above his bed and I got incredibly sad.  He was very handsome as a young man, and there was a picture of him with his wife.  It's interesting to have to start realizing your mortality.  We all know we are going to die, we've always known, but we live as if we won't.  Which, is a good way to live for the most part.  But you do however have to picture yourself at the end so you can take better care of yourself in the present to keep going til the end.  I know I don't ever want to end up in a nursing home because I've seen first hand the way residents are often treated, and forgotten about.  I don't want to ask for a box of tissues and end up having to blow my nose in my shirt cause I never get any.  I don't wanna be left sitting on the toilet waiting to be put to bed.  I want to live to a decent age but I pray I never get alzheimers or dementia or anything like that.  

I kind of rabbit trailed for a ridiculously long time...

basically I don't know if I want to be a nurse anymore.  There is so much ridiculous he said she said drama in health care.  A lot of health care workers smoke.  I went out with my CNA for her smoke break and it was pitiful the way those women talked.  They were acting like 12 year olds who just figured out how to swear.  I still feel connected to health care though because I'm oddly good at it.  I really enjoy the challenging ethical topics and I like studying word parts and organs and abbreviations.  I have kind of gone back to the idea of an emergency med tech.  I'm excited to go to the hospital in May for clinicals.  Hopefully I'll get to experience the fast paced chaos in the ER.  Well, maybe not so much at CRMC but who knows, stuff happens.    

The Holocaust

An assignment in my College Business Apps class is to fill out 6 scholarships.  I've found one that I'm really stoked about doing.  It's a Holocaust Remembrance Essay.  I've always wanted to learn more about The Holocaust.  It's always been a topic in about every english class since junior high, but I always feel disatisfied with the information given.  So I went to the library and checked out some books on The Holocaust and Darfur, because part of the requirements is to make The Holocaust relevant and explain why it is so important to remember it.  I'm currently completely engulfed in the book Night by Elie Weisel.  It's so amazing I can't hardly put it down.  It's very rare that a book catches my attention like that.  It's definately a hard read but I think it's important to remember the Holocaust, and feel sad about it.  It was an incredibly tragic event in history.  I can't say I like the feeling it gives me to think about the millions of people that died, I can't say anybody likes it.  It's just something real, something that happened.  I always remember in 8th grade I had the most amazing english teacher.  Her name was Ms. English.  Haha she was amazing and when we learned about the Holocuast she had this incredibly dispriting illustration.  She had a bucket of metal marbles and she slowly drained them to another bucket.  She did this several times, it lasted about twenty minutes if I remember correctly.  It really hit home for a lot of people and some students couldn't handle it and they had to leave.  The marbles were representing the lives taken.  Of course twenty minutes of this couldn't even begin to do justice to the death of the Holocaust, but that was part of the reason it was so dismal.  The illustration was so long, yet it wasn't even long enough.  A while ago I went to see Anne Frank with my friend Kirstin.  It was a school production, but it was done very well.  We have a good drama team at school.  I cried at the end.  It always takes my breath away to think that Anne Frank was still able to see the good in people even after everything she went through, everything her family went through, her people.  I'm ready to submerge myself in the events of the Holocaust and feel sad.  I'm ready to write a kick butt paper and make my parents proud, because I feel like I've let them down with my crappy grades.  I've let myself down.  

"It's really a wonder that I haven't dropped all my ideals, because they seem so absurd and impossible to carry out. Yet I keep them, because in spite of everything I still believe that people are really good at heart."  

Dream

I had a dream the other morning.  I tend to dream in the mornings, well I mean I remember my dreams from the morning best.  I somehow bipassed three alarms and slept in until 6:00, which felt amazing.  I can't say I'll do it again, but it was nice.  Anyways, so I had this dream that I was running on the beach.  I was just a running and running, I'm not sure if I was running from something but all I remember is it felt incredibly peaceful.  I've always liked the freedom in running.  One time at the park, with my friend Amanda, we just busted it out and started running.  There is a freedom in running that I cannot describe.  It's weird because at some point I begin to feel caged by running, because it's such a strain to my body, but I imagine if I could make it past that runners block, that beginning freedom would return and I'd have to force myself to start walking again.  In my dream I wasn't short of breath, I didn't feel like I was about to puke, I was just running and running on the beach or... wherever it was exactly I don't know but nevertheless it had a beachy feel, and perhaps I slept in so late because I didn't want to have to stop running.  

I'm not sure what a dream about running means.  I strongly believe dreams carry a deeper meaning.  However some are just frivelous nothings of your day, but this one... I think it means something, and what it means, I don't know.  I remember feeling so peaceful thinking about it earlier today, but then I started really thinking about it just now and I got really anxious.  I guess God will show me in due time, He's been revealing to me His incredible majesty in the world of time.  Everything has seemed to time out so perfectly lately.  

Have you even listened to a song that just made you close your eyes, and seep it in through your pores?  Have you ever rolled down the window in your car and just felt like sticking your head out, closing your eyes and waving your hands in the air?  Wouldn't that be awesome if we could drive with our eyes closed?  Driving is just so peaceful and when the window is down it's like the breeze is just pulsating through you, congratulations, you're alive and well.

An Obvious Inability to Stay Motivated

My grade reports currently aren't lookin too hot.  I only have three classes but somehow I managed to let my grades drop to a C average.  Not that a C is a bad grade, if you have one.  I ditched PE WAY too much and I have a D in that class.  We're going swimming this week and if I don't go I'll fail PE.  I can always raise my grade after swimming but swimming is double points and you can't make it up.  Mrs. Brinkman is also a no excuses sort of lady.  She doesn't care if you're a lady and it's your time of the month or if you're afraid of the water or if you can't swim.  You swim anyways.  If you're absent the points can't be made up.  It will be a good way to raise my grade to just GO TO GYM!!!  I really wish though I wouldn't have ditched so much so I could then have some wiggle room with swimming.  I also have a C in English from slacking off with Huck Finn.  I'm sure I bombed the test and I never did the study guides completely.  My excuse has been that it's the beginning of the semester, but it's a little too far into the semester to be using that anymore.  The last test we did in math I did terribly on.  The last chapter totally lost me and I didn't turn in several assignments.  I took notes like a mad woman in class to try to stay awake and figure out what to do but I still didn't do well on the test.  I have a B in Health Care and I'm not sure why... that's probably the most disappointing grade I have, even though it's just a B but that should be the class I succeed in the most.  I have on A and that's in College Business Apps.  I really need to get my butt motivated and work harder.  I'm always carrying around the excuse that I'm so busy but really I'm just lazy.  I have a B in my french class which is surprising considering I never do the homework so I need to start doing the homework so I don't lose that grade.  The homework isn't even hard.  I could just put down the most random crap and she would never know the difference she just checks off for completion.  RAH I'M SUCH AN UNMOTIVATED LAZY BUM.  I'm not even a senior yet and I already have senioritis.  Maybe it has something to do with my schedule being much like the schedule of a senior.  I'm excited for next year though.  I took an anthropology class!  I think that will be fun.  I also took sculpting which I'm super stoked about!!!  YAY!!!  Spring break is coming up next month so that will give me something to look forward to and help me work harder, cause there is an end in sight.  Haha.

AMAZING

Every year while preparing to go to Nicaragua God has blessed me in a HUGE way.  The finances always pop out of nowhere.  The first year I got a big donation from my dad's work and then the next year in spite of all the pessimists around me declaring I wouldn't raise the money I got an anonymous $500 donation.  This year I've been doing some house cleaning to raise the money and I've raised about $200 on my own already.  Recently my parents have been given $200 for whatever they wish to do with from some good friends.  Well my mom said the only way she would accept it is if it went towards my trip to Nicaragua!!!

WOAH.

God is such an awesome God.  He never ever ceases to amaze me.  The total cost of going to Nicaragua is rather intimidating but I have to tell you I am always sure the money will come.  It breaks my heart when people don't have the faith that it will come.  It's very discouraging to have people around you that think you won't be able to do it, that of all things GOD won't be able to do it.  Guess what?  I believe my God is bigger than anything on this planet.  I've seen Him do amazing things and I love Him so much!  

A New Kind Of Worship

Lately the sky has been so marvelously beautiful.  I'm not too sure if I have just been oblivious to the sky my whole life, and now I'm just seeing it with new eyes, or if the sky really does look that much more beautiful than before.  I don't know but whatever the case I am in awe at the beauty of the sky.  Each morning while driving to school I look into the sky and see the sun peeping up above the horizon.  It creates luminous pink, orange, and purple clouds.  I have to take a moment to thank my God for such a sight.  It seriously gives me goosebumps and I worship Him for blessing me with such a sight.  Although the weather conditions are often less than enjoyable in Cheyenne it doesn't hinder how BIG the sky looks here.  I've always thought I was more of a tree person but perhaps I'm a prairie girl, born and raised.  I'm loving these HUGE skies, it's almost intimidating but yet so incredibly majestic.  I'm left to wonder how a person could deny the existence of a higher power with a sight like that.  You think that sky is a result of some scientific theory?  No way.   

In The Facilities

So last Mon was our first night in the facilities.

Due to HIPAA laws and regulations I really cannot tell you any of my humorous stories...

However I am allowed to tell you that it was a lot better than I thought and I had a lot of fun.  Being in the nursing home is at first overwhelming but in time you get used to it.  I'm really excited to get to know the residents there.  Some of them are just hilarious.  I'm scared for next week, but I'm excited too.  I didn't really do a whole lot this week, I just kind of followed my CNA around and watched her do everything, but it was a good learning experience nonetheless and I enjoyed it thouroughly.. . (I don't know how to spell that word.. it looks odd but anyways you get what I mean).

I learned that working in health care is pretty much like any other job when it comes to your coworkers and the what not.  You have the people who do their job like a maniac, and everyone else's too, and you have those people who don't do their job, and they don't help anyone else either.  It doesn't seem fair to have that kind of a person in health care when lives are on the line but I saw a lot of that going down in the facility.  My student partner and I had a CNA who was pretty much doing everyone else's job, and hers on top of it.  You have those people who go out for a cigarette break and those people who text and all that.   It's frustrating but I don't care where you work that kind of stuff is going to happen.  

Not Too Glamourous

The other night at small group we discussed that the dreams God gives you are not easy.  They aren't going to seem possible and they will scare you.

At that moment the first thing I thought about is my wanting to be a nurse.

I do actually really think that would be so awesome.  I just go really scared.

Scared?  Yea maybe this is what God wants me to do then.  Does it seem impossible?  Oh my yes it does.  However here's what I figured out.  To become a nurse you have to climb the ladder.  I'm sure it's the same way for any job/career you want.  You can't just say well golly I want to be a nurse and be a nurse.  You have to do several months of training.  5 long hours once a week...

You have to wipe old geezers bums and bring them their soup.  You have to help them get dressed and help them shower and bathe.  You have to make the bed with them in it and you have to deal with their... odors.  

It's not by any means glamours.  Not to say that once you climb the ladder and do all the training it gets any better.  I mean being a nurse just isn't a glamorous job.  However the thing I really would like to do is work in labor and delivery or in the PEDS area of the hospital.  The other night while babysitting Anjali and Caitlyn I was feeding Anjali and I thought how special, how awesome it would be to become a pediatric nurse.  In order to do that I have to start somewhere.  I have to start at the bottom.  I can't expect it to be something I fully enjoy right away, and the hard truth is I don't.  I don't look forward to Mon nights and I don't really much look forward to the idea of being a CNA, other than you know the paycheck.  Ha.  I do know though that I have a passion for helping people and I've always felt really comfortable in hospitals... which is odd but I love being in hospitals.  I'd like to work at one.  I realize I will still have to work with the old folks even after I climb the ladder but if I specialize in pediatrics then I'll be there on most days.  I do like old people, but the videos we watch in clinicals are all the warning videos about how rude some of the people at nursing homes can be.  That scares me, but hey when I first started working at The Maxx I was scared.  I got over though.  I've been there for almost a year now and I quite enjoy it.  I'm no longer scared, I now what I'm doing.  I didn't at first and I had my rude customers, I still do.  You can't get out of that when you work with the public.  New beginnings are scary but I know it will be OK.  By June I'll be a CNA and if I'm lucky I can get a job for the summer at Life Care or the VA and start saving to take the test and then I can go to college and be an RN and... yea.  Haha.  I know I'm really unfocused and I'll probably write a blog tomorrow about how much I don't want to be a nurse, but I'll stick to it anyways and then it'll be OK.  

 

Faith

When someone says they believe in God, you think, that person has faith.  

There's a need to have faith in God, because for the most part that's all we have.  With the world always telling us that God is some sort of comfort or whatever, and that He doesn't really exist we really do have to have strong faith to back that up.  I'm the kind of person that absorbs all the opinions around me and tries to find a way to like or agree with them all.  I'm not very oppionated at all... there are however a few things I strongly believe in.  Those things take a lot of faith for me because I'm so easily persuaded.  Well anyways this is kind just a prologue into what this blog is really for...

So I learned today that we have to learn to have faith in people too.  That's something I really need to work on.  I asked my friend Brandon to go to lunch with me and I haven't been friends with him for very long, and he's like a HXC pothead so I figured hey, he'll probably forget.  Now, as legit as those reasons are I still should have given him the benefit of the doubt.  I ended up waiting for about 5 minutes and I saw everyone leaving and so I just left without him.  He then texted me later and said I forgot to wait for him.  I felt so bad because we didn't really understand where we were supposed to meet so he was somewhere waiting, and I was somewhere waiting... I felt so bad.  I should have called him but I didn't want to seem all annoying if he did in fact forget or decide he didn't want to go... it was a really lame thing for me to do...  Well we are just going to have to go to lunch another time cause I'm pretty sure he wasn't too bent up about it.  I just feel really bad that I was thinking he would leave me to wait like that.  Brandon is a real nice fella, maybe he is a pothead, but he's nice and I shouldn't have assumed he would ditch me.  Sorry man.

The Scariest Thing

The spiritual world.

To me, the scariest thing ever is the world in which demons and angels live.  We got talking about it at small group the other night, and I got so scared.  I was afraid to go to the bathroom... and I really had to go.  

I'm a scaredy cat already.  I can't watch two minutes of a scary movie without getting scared.  Sometimes I think about the first time I watched The Ring, or The Others and I get super scared.  One of the things that scares me the most is the reality of some of these scary movies.  The Ring and The Others are silly fiction and none of that could ever really happe, but like TX Chainsaw, or The Exorcism of Emily Rose, that's the kind of stuff that can really take place and it scares the crap out of me.  I think to myself, how would I act if that was me?  What if the TX chainsaw dude was coming after me?  Would I cry?  Would I find the strength in myself to pray?  What if I was just in my bed late at night and I saw demons?  Would I cry?  Would I find the strength in myself to pray?  I have no clue what I would do.  I don't think I could handle it.  

The spiritual world exists.  It lives, it breaths, it thrives.  Don't be a fool and ignore that.  Thanks to God and His Son, we are protected from that.  We shouldn't fear.  

I Know

I know what's really in my heart no matter how distracted I may become by silly things.  I know that who I really am, and who I really want to be is a beliver.  I want to love God with all that's in me.  That's all that matters right now is that I know that.  I know if I walked away from it all today, I would be lonely, desperate, and full of sorrow.  I honestly believe if I didn't have God in my life, I probably would have just killed myself last year.  Instead I kept believing that God was there for me, and He would provide for me what I needed.  He did just that.  Praise God.  

Untitled

I couldn't think of a title for this blog because I have a few things to say.  

My birtday was SO AWESOME!!!  Something that I have taken note of is that as you get older, biritdays seem to last all week long.  Once you begin making new friends, keeping old friends, and growing closer to your family, a birtday is something that isn't limited to one day.  

Wednesday was my birtday.  I couldn't have asked for a better night for my birtday to land on because it was JV worship night!  I'm often times blown away at the people God has blessed me with in my life.  A birthday is a time I tend to really reflect on things like that.  Of course it seems birtdays are always awesome, but this year my birthday was just a real time of reflection on what God has blessed me with in just this past year.  At this time last year I was feeling rather lonely, awkward and out of place.  I was working to become involved at Element church but often times feeling 100% ready to just dissappear, give up.  I am SO happy that I stuck it out.  Making friends takes time.  Maybe not for everyone, but definately for me.  I have to give credit to Bry.  If she hadn't showed up at youth group I probably would have quit.  Bry has such a never give up attitude and I admire her so much for that.  Because God sent her to me I was able to keep going and make absolutely amazing friends like Andy, Aubrey, Tori, Morgan, Curtis, Heather, even Nate and Torin, McKenzie and everyone else in Fusion.  They may be frustrating to talk to, and hard to understand, but I wouldn't doubt that I am too.  I love them all and feel blessed to know them.  

My birthday was just so special this year because I really thought about all of that.  I was texting Bry and she asked me "did you find out yet?"  I was like WHAT WHAT did I find what out?  She was like, "oh I didn't mean to send that to you."  Well courtesy of Jason Andy and Aubrey presented me with a birthday cake!  I honestly started to tear up a little bit.  When I told Bry she told me that that's what she meant when she texted me did you find out yet?  I was like oh you are sneaky.  Haha.  

My parents got me two cards for my birthday this year.  One was a heartfelt "we're so proud of you card."  I do believe I teared up a little bit.  The other was one of those awesome cards that plays music.  It had a picture of a chicken on it playing an accordion.  It said "IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY!"  Then when you opened it up it said "CELEBRATE ACCORDION-LY!" and it played the chicken song!  I just smiled really big!  It was 4:30 something in the morning and I busted a move.  : )  

The weather was also absolutely beautiful for my birthday.  

We are starting small groups in Fusion.  It's something I'm really looking forward to.  I'm hoping to grow closer to everyone.  We're going to read Wild Goose Chase since the rest of the church is going to be reading it for the new series.  I read the first chapter today and found it to be incredible.  Books like that always rekindle the passion in my heart for Nicaragua.  It's so amazing to be passionate about something.  You just feel like you could pour your WHOLE heart into it without any regrets.  I'm so excited to be able to share the amazing experience with Bry this summer.  She's going to love it!

I was telling Bry the other day how most of my friends are older than me, and off doing adventerous things for God.  Sometimes I feel like I'm just stuck here and I can't do anything.  She made an aweosme point.  She said sometimes I feel that way to but then I think about the relationships I'm making here, and I think, I am doing something.  

I am doing something here.  The relationships I have made are a God send.  And not even just with people at Element.  The Marlow Family has been a huge blessing to me.  I met them at Calvary Chapel, and honestly could have never fathomed that I would still be in touch with them.  Amanda has been an amazing blessing to me as well.  When she reached out to ME to be my friend I was blown away at her willingness to spend time with a little girl like myself.  Although her parents are going to be in Tennesse I know Amanda and I will still keep in touch.  I absolutely needed her friendship last year and she is one of the most beautiful women I know.  I love talking with her because we can be silly and spontaneous, but we can be real and serious just as well.  I can remember a time we went to Target and got large icees cause they were a dollar cheaper.  We then found ourselves on a sugar high and we laughed and laughed in her car for at least an hour.  We probably burned off those icees from all the laughter.  I can also remember a time when I was struggling to fit in at Calvary anymore and Amanda just fit in like a puzzle piece.  She was taking me home and talking about Jake and Steven and I was feeling so lonely.   When she dropped me off she got out of her car and apologized and gave me a big hug.  I cried on her shoulder.  I know I will always have Amanda's "shoulder" to cry on.  

Another awesome friend God has blessed me with is Kirstin.  I've known that lady since kindergarten at least.  We hang out but once a week maybe.  She's just awesome though!  We always have a blast and she laughs at my utter outrageousness and I laugh at her sometimes cinnical (... I don't know how to spell that word.) remarks.  Her mom and my mom are friends too!  Haha how crazy.  I'm super stoked for her to come to Nicaragua this year because I know she'll love it too.  I also know she'll be a HUGE contribution to the team.  Kirstin is a hard worker.  

"Once I moved about like the wind, now I surrender to you and that is all."

I think that quote does a good job in summing up the way a body feels when they are addicted to something.  We all have our "addictions" sever or not and they are hard to lose.  I am currently fasting from coffee because my back got really tight the other day and I haven't been able to release.  It's better but it still hurts.  Too much caffeine can cause joint and muscle pain.  I wasn't so much getting my caffeine fix from coffee as from tea, so I haven't had any caffinated tea either.  It's been a little tough but I need to form a healthier habbit with it.  I don't believe I need to cut myself off from coffee completely.  I think fasting from coffee will be a good thing to do when I'm really struggling spiritually.  I'm on my sixth day without coffee and tea.  I have 15 days to go!  

Discipline

I have none.

I stayed home from school today and I am so bored out of my skull!

I want to do something because my legs hurt from sitting, so real fast, so I can get up and walk, this is what I have decided.

Seems to be a hot topic amongst everyone right now...

taking care of your body.

I eat terribly, I am lazy, and I am often sore because I don't MOVE.  I'm a lazy bum, and I'm admitting that.  The only "exercise" I get is when I clean for Juli on Friday's but that's not really exercise.  I mean I'm moving and all that, but not vigorously.  

With this semester I am going to be busy, however after 2:00 every day I will have a window with which I can MOVE, EXERCISE.  I will have the house to myself so I can just pop in a work out video (as lame as they are it's a little too cold to go outside anyways) or run up and down the stairs or jumprope, and if it's nice I can just go to the park after school and walk around.  Bry and I are going to try... no wait. .. Bry and I ARE going to work out on Saturdays.  We will have to work around my schedule at TJMaxx but we will make it work.  Both of us would like to be in shape for Nicaragua.  Nicaragua is not an easy trip, that country is seriously ALL hills.  If we go to the same loacation we did last year... oh man there are 3 hills to climb several times a day.  Of course with the new orphanage we probably won't have to climb so many hills, but nevertheless it would still be nice to be in shape.  

My body is just so dang sore all the time because I just chill out on the sofa after school.  I'm a LAZY bum.  My legs are stiff and my back hurts.  I need to change that and I have many reasons to motivate me so I'm excited.  !!!  I pray for my mom and dad, that they can draw motivation from somewhere.  It seems like all my mom does is sleep and I'm starting to worry about her.

The Tragedy of Youth

I'm in denial.  Maybe, it's not all so much denial.  It could just be hope.  However, it is painfully hard to distinguish the difference between the two.  They are awfully similar, depending on the situation of course.

My best friend is moving and with everything that's in me I want to believe God will perform a most miraculous miracle and let her stay.

My life as of late has been a stream of movie moments.  You know what I mean?  Those moments that seem epically (epicly... whatever I don't even know if that is in fact a word so just humor me here) tragic, epically profound.  Those moments to me are awesome, however sad they may be.

So Bry, Andy, Aubrey, and myself are all sitting on and around the stage discussing this that and the other thing.  It's really uncomfortable, at least for me.  I don't do good in situations like that... I tense up and crawl inside myself.  

"We're going to have to move."

I started crying so hard.  I didn't want to, especially in front of Andy and Aubrey.  Bry's seen my cry before but not them.  I find nothing shameful in crying, it just felt so awkward.  So weird.  I couldn't keep it inside though, it came, it blew out, I was sobbing.  

I drove home that night on the highway.  I turned my radio off and just listened to the sound of the tires on the pavement, the sound of all the other cars and the wind.  I cried some more.  

My parents got home and I told my mom that Bry was going to have to move.  She cried with me.  We cried together until my head hurt so bad I thought I was going to throw up, so I went to bed.

Today driving to school I blasted this schwank song by Modest Mouse and took the long way around.  I don't know what the song is called cause it's on a CD mix, but I wish I could remember because it is like this awesome song that belongs on every soundtrack ever.

All of those moments, to me, seemed like they belonged in a movie.  I love movie moments.  I've had few in my life, but when they come around I'm just like... this moment belongs in some artsy weird indie film.  Speaking of weird artsy indie films, if you haven't seen the movie Kabluey, go rent it or get a pirated copy.  Ha, just kidding about the pirated copy.  It's such and awesome movie it deserves the 3 bucks it costs to rent it.  It's like... a really funny movie that starts developing into a really awesome heart felt story.  Lisa Kudrow... or however you spell it you know Phoebe from friends, is in it and she does and awesome job.  Watch it! and let me know what you think.

It's Been A Long Time Coming

Today at church I nearly lost it.

I composed myself because I hate trying to pull myself back together after a long cry.  Especially around people because they always want to know what's wrong, which is sweet, probably not sincere, but sweet.  Besides of which I'm one of those breathy cryers so if I tried to explain myself it wouldn't have made any sense.

Lately, now more than ever before, I've been resting in the FACT that there is, in fact, a God up above us.  I feel it in my bones, and my soul.  He exists.  I KNOW it.  He's an amazing God.  A loving God, and most of all a forgiving God.

I've always been weary to put my "testimony" out there for others to hear.  I am far from where I want to be in life.  It seems to me as if a testimony is a "I'm satisfied" story.  A, "I've been through hell and now I'm going to chill out cause I'm happy, and at peace" story.  I'm far from satisfied, far from peace.  However, I've been going over and over in my head this testimony to my faith.  It's something I've been wanting to share for an incredibly long time, and however impersonal a blog seems to me, most of those who are reading this are far far away from me anyways.  

So it begins in Junior High.  Do you believe it?

Cause it actually begins when I was born, but the it just gets more interesting when I turn 13.

There I was, entering junior high.  I was chubby, sweaty, and awkward.  Looking back, I don't know how I made it through.  I don't know how anyone made it through.  Well, OK that's a lie, I do know how I made it through.  With the everlasting love of my God.

So back to the CHUBBY, SWEATY, AWKWARD part.  I was, just that.  I hated it.  I went through seventh grade barely noticed, hardly visible.  I had friends, good ones, bad ones.  I wasn't much of a "popular kid" no matter how much I may have tried to be though.  My parents began to think I was depressed and should see a counselor.  That was probably just their way of not having to deal with angst later on.  They thought, "oh let's get her taken care of now."  Ha!  Just kidding.  They cared, that's why.  Anyways, I hated that idea.  I'M NOT DEPRESSED.  I made it through my seventh grade year alive.  My mother one day says to me, "Trisha, are you down on yourself because of how you look."  I meakly replied yes, or something.  I don't know, it's vauge.  Basically what came of it is my mother and I agreed to go on weight watchers together.  I lost a lot of weight that summer and felt so much better about myself going into 8th grade.  Skip ahead..... somewhere in the middle of first semester I guess.  I was on a quest to be the most unique self I could be.  I began wearing a skirt over my pantelones every day.  All the time.  Every day...  I turned into this oddly "goth" creature, still keeping all my good values and morals however, which made me very unpopular amongst the "goth" crowd at school.  Image is huge in junior high.  The attitude that follows the image, even more so.  Anyways, that wasn't too important.  I had my group of friends.  I remember it well.  We were a quaint posse.  My BFF at the time, yes BFF, well forget the last F, that didn't turn out too well.  So, back to the story, my BFF at the time was the skinniest lanky little girl you could ever know.  She was just as confused as I was, and together we made a very insecure duo.  Mostly what I remember about our friendship is that I envied her skinny lanky self, and she envied my status.  My "coolness" if you will.  Amongst our little posse I was pretty awesome.  Moving on, into 9th grade.  I toned down the look a bit.  I was still "goth" you might say.  Pretty much all black, always.  Dark eyeliner.  It was legit.  Over the past year I had gained some weight and I was very unhappy with it.  It started soon, I wasted no time.  I began to ... starve myself.  All week long I would make sure that I wasn't eating.  Dinner was my only meal as to avoid suspicion amongst my parents.  My mother at some point questioned me on why the breakfast bars weren't dissappearing.  With that, I made a stach in the bottom drawer of my dresser.  I soon came to find that it wasn't all that easy to starve myself.  As much as I wanted to, I couldn't really do it.  The weekends would arrive and I'd sit at home like a bum, or go spend the night at my BF's house.  I would stuff my face all weekend to compensate for how starving I had been all week.  It grew very frustrating gaining back all that weight.  I would drop nearly 5 pounds during the week and gain back at leas 6 or 7 every weekend.  I was determined to do something about this.  It was then I learned to purge myself.  Now, this was a "skill" that took some time.  It's not an easy thing to do.  You may think it is, but if you've ever tried to make yourself vomet when there's but 1 ounce of food in your stomach it's not easy.  Although it was frustrating I dared not give up, and one evening, after Halloween, much candy had been consumed, I got it.  It came up.  I rejoiced.  

Thus, the purging spiraled out of control.  I was sticking my finger down my throat, at the most, seven times a day.  I was weighing myself probably 10 times or more a day.  OH NO I ate something did I gain weight?  I did 30 jumping jacks did I lose weight?  "I'm going to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."  I went from a weight of 130 to a weight of 107 in 3 months.

The methods in which I used to hide this were successful for sometime.  I'd do it in the shower, turn the fan on, grab a sack and head out to the barn.  Inevitably, however I was found out.  My mother was distraught.  I was distraught.  We sat, crying.  "Why?"  Dad came home, we talked, not much, but the decision was made for me to talk to a therapist.  I went but 5 times until I finally figured it out.  I needed God.  I had God, the whole time.  I believed in Him.  I went to church, youth group, the whole shebang.  I just hadn't really really been involved.  I was going through the motions, living a seperate life.  Being someone else on the side.  The vometting continued for a while, but soon all was forgotten and I knew I was slowly destroying myself.  I had already begun to feel the effects.  I was having difficulties digesting food, keeping it down.  I knew, I must stop.  

Sometimes I fear, I may be going through the motions again.  There is always something new to struggle with.  You get rid of one challenge, and along comes another one, nearly right behind it.  This morning at church I just felt God.  I knew He would take care of me.  I'm handing my load over to Him.  I'm FREE.  God has given me this AWESOME sense of freedom in my own body.  Something I never felt before.  I may not have some sculpted body of a model, but it's the body God gave me and I love it.  I'm free in it.  I pray that this isn't just a zealous, in the moment sort of thing.  I really really believe God is going to take care of me.  He has wonderful things ahead in the future for me and I'm ready for it.  I may not be, but He will help me through.  He is always helping me through.  He's made me FREE.  I pray He sets you free too.  It's the most incredible feeling to have those chains broken, to break down that bondage.  To be victorious over your temptations, your struggles, your fear.  

Prayer

Bry introduced me to her friend Mike a few weeks ago.  He's a very nice fellow and came to our youth group so we agreed to go to his.  When we got there it seemed like your average youth group.  Everyone was chillin, playing games eating food.  The leader, Jason came and welcomed us.  It was all very youth group ie if you will.  We soon were upstairs for the more structured part of the evening.  To start we prayed.  However it wasn't just like your God bless this night prayer it was let's walk around in a circle with the lights dimmed.  This all made me very uncomfortable to begin.  I kept hearing "Trisha, this isn't wrong."  In the deep part of me that wanted to just slap the cult title on it all.  The experience was nevertheless interesting.  It didn't end there though.  We proceeded to pray for our city schools and families.  We stood in that circle proclaiming the things we felt were in need of prayer.  This was all very typical, nothing too unordinary.  Then we all started praying ALL AT ONCE all together in this circle, we're all praying for the same thing, different words, different reasons.  

The entire time I was basically praying that I would stop judging these people.  All this was good, it wasn't a bad thing.  It wasn't something that should be condemned.  It was quaint.  ... I suppose really what it comes down to is how different it was from anything I've ever experienced.  It seems to me that a youth group has the goal of numbers.  For the reason of reaching the youth and yada yada.  With that prayer time you aren't going to pull in a lot of new people.  If I was one of those kids who went to youth group simply because my parents made me, I would find that whole time to be, in fact, "cultish" if you will.  

That prayer time I suppose is just something I think should be done with an intimate group.  I could see the worship team on Sundays doing that.  If me Bry Aubrey and Andy sat down to do that it would be cool.  It would be an intimate time with God.  The big group prayer I hardly know most these people just makes it all seem very shallow to me.  ...

Anyways it was a good experience.  I'm glad I went.  I just don't imagine I'll be back.  I dig Element youth even if I don't always feel like I belong.  So there I will remain.

I'm Just A Little Impulsive Sometimes

I'm still not too sure.

But I might just go through with clinicals.

I think I may have been experiencing an intense fear.

Fear that it would be HARD.  It will be hard.  I know that.

Fear that I would make a fool of myself.

I will.  I always do.

I was being a little rash too because the kids I sit next to drive me up the wall.

They talk about really personal things.  Like... really personal things.  Things I really don't want to hear about.  I just sit there... working, sort of.  It's just so annoying.  They don't even know me and the girl is like "oh my gosh I think I might be pregnant."  The guy is like  "don't tell your boyfriend we used the electric bed together."  (like you know the electric beds they have in hospitals, we had to practice with those and they were partners and he is always teasing her about how she shouldn't tell her boyfriend how he gets to touch her and stuff.)  It's so ridiculous.  The boy is OLDER than me and I could just slap him silly.  I don't even know how they became friends, none of us said anything for like the first month of school then out of nowhere they were like hanging out with the same people...

Seriously though, why would you come out and say I think I might be pregnant in front of a girl you don't even talk to.  I mean maybe she doesn't think I'm paying any attention but when I sit right next to you, I'm going to hear things dearie.  

Anyways, I think I'll go through with clinicals.  I may end up really enjoying it and deciding that nursing is the very thing I want to do.  

Tasha is in HCC's also so we could do clinicals on the same night, then I wouldn't feel so awkward and alone.

I always hate how the kids are like "what night are you going to do it?"  It's like beef up and do something by yourself for once.

But then I hate being all awkward and alone.  Ha.  Whatever.

So I guess I shall be finding out what it takes to be a nurse.  Maybe I'll love it, maybe it will be a waste of my time.  This will just be a good way to find out.

Super.

Hello Trisha. This is God Speaking.

I'm listening.

I'm not getting it.

You keep teasing me.  Throwing life right in my face.  HERE IT IS TRISHA!  THIS IS LIFE!  I'm sure I've probably misunderstood the meaning of life then, cause you keep taking it right out of my reach.

A few weeks ago there was a real possibility that Bry might have to move.  It made me so sad I had no moivation to do anything.  All I wanted to do was sulk and fall deeper into the loneliness I was preparing to feel.  Bry is an amazing friend and God has really blessed me with her.  

I feel like He is telling me, Oh... Haha just kidding Trish.  

I know God isn't doing that to me.  There's a lesson somewhere deep inside this... somewhere DEEP insided this.  I can't find it.

I'm sure if you're reading this you probably know that Bry is my dearest, closest friend.  We spend a LOT of time together, and I'm happy to report I really don't get sick of her.  She has an incredible spirit, an unbelievable maturity, and a really really awe-some love for God.   

Bry told me she wasn't going to have to move!

I got my butt of the couch and I had a zest for life again.

I realize there shouldn't be this much riding on one single person.

Maybe the lesson here is God should be all I need.

Bry might have to move again.

HERE TRISHA!  HERE'S AN AMAZING FRIEND FOR YOU!

HAHAHAHAHA JUST KIDDING YOU DON'T GET TO KEEP HER!

Yea OK so God's not like that he doesn't say stuff like that.  

I'm just so frustrated.  It seems as if ever since I was in kindergarten all the good friends I made moved away.  

I'm not friends with any of them anymore.

I don't want that to be Bry and I.

Of course, that was elementary school, so that was an incredibly long time ago and I probably wouldn't have anything in common with any of them anymore.

I just want to be Bry's friend.

I just don't want her to have to move.

Everytime I think about it I just feel lonely already.

My silent prayer is for Bry to get to stay here.

I know she might HAVE to move, I know it might be what's best for her mom and her dad.  

My reasons are selfish, I know.

I just seem to spend so much time praying for a friend.

God gave me one.

An awesome one.

My best friend.

Now He's just going to rip her away?

Hello Trisha.

What do you want out of life?

I want my life to be extraoridnary.

But WHAT do you want?

I suppose I haven't the slightest clue.

I thought I knew EXACTLY what I wanted.

Apparently not.

It was set.  I was going to do clinicals next semester, get my CNA.  Move onto nursing school.  Work as a medical missionary.

...

I don't want to be a nurse anymore.

...

Maybe it's just me being lazy.

Maybe I just don't want to do clinicals.

I haven't figured that out yet.

Maybe I'm afraid because it's going to be hard.

Here's what it boils down to:

I'm not particularly a people person.

...

That doesn't fly so well if you're working as a nurse.

It's not just that I'm shy and quiet either.

I sometimes get a little snippy with people at TJMaxx.

...

I love the health care field.

I find it all incredibly fascinating.

I suppose maybe I want to land somewhere in health care, or something related.

These are the thoughts I've been rolling through my mind all day.

_Social worker

_Orthopedic Dr. 

_Forensic Scientist

_Archeologist

_Missionary straight up, nothing medical about it.

My favorite idea is social worker.  It would be incredibly draining, but oh so rewarding.

Orthopedic doctor... that would be cool.  Bones are fascinating.

Forensic scientist...  I don't know how I feel about digging up dead people.  We're the only culture in the world who finds that to be a respectable career.  If you really think about it... yea it's pretty raunchy.  I wouldn't care to do that. 

Archeologist?

That would be awesome!

However schools for archeology are few and far between.  They're also incredibly expensive.  

Archeology kind of goes back to forensic science too.

I don't know how I feel about digging up dead people, and ancient remains.

Missionary.

Awesome.

What happens when I'm too old for it?

...

I don't know.  It's so frustrating.  I want to just go with the flow.

It's so difficult.

My parents were so excited when I told them I wanted to be a nurse.  Everyone was so excited.

Maybe it's the kids I sit next to.

I really get annoyed with them...

ha I don't know.

I think the bottom line is I don't want to be a nurse.

So I'm hopefully going to get out of HCCII next sememster and choose a different class to take.

Maybe I'll be a paramedic.  I love Basic Emergency Care.